Watched a movie last night.. "No Reservations.."
And something the little girl, Zoe said set me thinking..
She had lost her mother in a car accident while they were travelling to visit her aunt (zoe's mum's sister). Upon arriving, Zoe was admitted to hospital and she was left in the care of Kate-her aunt.
Kate tried all she could or she think she knew how to make Zoe comfortable and helped her to settle down. Though she did the best and provided the best for her, Zoe was the least unmoved.
Somehow, what Kate thought is the best doesnt seem to be what Zoe needed or wanted.
There was still something missing..
The personal touch and those heart-tickling feeling..

One fine day, Kate forgot about Zoe and didnt pick her up from school till she reached home. When she rushed to the school, Zoe was still there waiting for her, but Zoe was angry.
She said, "you forgot about me.."
Kate tried to explain otherwise but Zoe insisted and said the same thing.
Kate apologized but that didnt helped to make Zoe feel any better.
She was furious, went home and kept herself in the room.

Kate said, "I'm sorry, I'm doing everything that is wrong.." and walked out of the room.
Zoe called her back and said, "Kate, you are not doing everything wrong.."
It was a moment of ..... i dunno... realization??

In the 1st few days when Zoe first was discharged from hospital, Kate was trying to find out whats her fav. color? What's her fav. number.. etc..

Zoe told her.." You dont have to do this.."
Kate: "Do what?"
Zoe: "Try so hard.."

This thing knocked hard on me.. I was thinking.. have i been trying too hard??
To do what??
Who were i trying hard for?
What am i trying hard for?
What am i striving for?
Who am i striving for?

I dunno..
I know I'm just doing my best.. the best i know how..
But that may not be what others feel is the best..
Maybe I've been too demanding... and expecting too much from too many..
Maybe I should have just relaxed... and take things easy...
But how can I when there are deadlines to face?

I know i can get it done myself, on my own if i have to...
But when I'm working in a team.. and if people do not cooperate, then how can i ensure that i can get them to coorperate with me? How can i get them to share my burden?
Does other people have a burden like mine?
And why should I care so much when no one cares?

Maybe.. I tried too hard...
It gets tiring when you are running on your own.. its no fun at all..
There's no support and even if there were.. its from people outside the circle... outside where you are from.. Their nice and sweet words.. are never enough to cover the nasty, cold words that you are getting inside the circle... especially when you know that others are talking about you.. about how you do things.. about how DIFFERENT you are... which according to some.. is good.... if it is really good... then why are you not doing what is good?
And why leave it to just me who is doing the good?
And why isnt anyone else doing what is good??

I don't understand... and i really don't understand where the problem lies..
Being too detailed is bad... demanding too much is bad...
Perhaps.. its all about moderation.. But isnt moderation equals to that I just do what everybody else is doing??
Then what kind of difference and impact would i have made?
Then I'll just be like the rest of the people... just like them...

Doing nothing much and achieving nothing much..
Just happy where they are... and striving for nothing else...

But that's not me.
I'm not mediocre...
I don't think I'm trying that hard..
This is JUST me!
I'm just doing what I'm Called to do...
What I'm been endowed to do..
To accomplish what I've been asked to do...
And achieving what I've been wanting to get..

Any why is it that its just so miserable being who i am?
I feel so lonely... so deserted.. so cold... where i am...
No one... or maybe only one...who's for me, with me...
why are you all against me??

-RacheL- blogged @ 9/20/2007 11:35:00 AM